Me.

I am writing this now under the influence of sleeping pills, it is now 7 something am, and I haven't yet slept. Though I took these tablets a few hours ago, I am still feeling the effects, for instance, I cant even walk properly, like I'm tipsy, but my head is light rather than heavy.


Despite this, my thoughts are clear, especially in this absolute silence. I'm finding it impossible to escape. There are times when things are definitely easier to deal with, but either way the pain and inner conflict remains. I never wanted to dive into my inner truths through this blog of mine, but right now its my only means of venting.


I turned to this blog in an attempt to get  back into the norms of today's social scene, as for almost 2 years now, I've been avoiding so. In truth there are only 2 people or maybe even 1 person who I feel would be effective to talk to, but neither will speak to me, either because they don't want to or simply can't. I miss so much.


My downfall began when I started uni, and since then I think its just gotten worse, gradually. I lost and lost and lost. I tried and tried and tried, and just lost more and more. I turned to silence, to solitude, to lying even, in order to maintain what little I seemed to have left.


I've purposefully drowned my self with uni work, to distract me, I've splurged money on purchases to keep me occupied. I searched and searched for employment after the end my last Christmas casual position (a year ago), but as it turns out, no one wants to employ a student who is 2 years into a business degree. And as you can imagine, this makes me feel like everything I've done and worked for over these past 2 years means shit all. My personality, my knowledge and my people skills that I know I posses... my everything is really nothing at all, worthless.


The people I've lost, I know are all one-of-a-kinds. The regret and self hate is indescribable.


I have only myself to blame, that's for certain, its just, I only ever recall being honest, being me, being myself, so what more was/am I to do? What more am i supposed to give?


I have few friends, but I know these few friends love me as I love them.


I know I have a great, loving family, who would do anything for me.


But there is this undeniable discontent that I feel, mainly self discontent.


I don't feel "worth it".


I feel invisible.


I feel a fool.


A loser.