Broken, complicated and incredibly beautiful.

It may be delusional... but perhaps we can save each other?

Unhappy.

Unhappy.

Unhappy.

Unhappy.

Unhappy.

Unhappy.

Unhappy.

Unhappy.

Unhappy.

In the second half of last year, after just finishing my degree, I quit my casual job. I did so because 1) I didn't like it, and 2) I thought I was ready to look for work in my degree field. I was wrong.

Up until now I'm unemployed, and still unsure of myself. I can't even get myself to look for another casual job, and I think that's because working; whether it be studying or actual working for money, has never felt really "worth while". I feel like any job I ever got, I only did so because someone else wanted to have it. And I haven't yet celebrated for myself or really felt happy that I finished a uni degree. It doesn't even matter, not yet anyway ( hopefully).

I need something to turn this around. To motivate me to really try again. To get me excited about the future. To allow me to see a positive future. But I don't know what.

Whatever it is, I need it soon. Because I'm feeling... finished.

I just time travelled.

Earlier this evening I decided to sync my Hotmail account with the the native Mail application for Mac OS. This involved simply entering the email and password, and its somewhat automated from there. It was at this point where I travelled back in time.

The application syncs the whole "Inbox", importing all as "unread", starting with the oldest. I see notification emails with the company names Bebo and MySpace, brands that I or probably anyone else hasn't really seen in years. 

Naturally, curiosity took control, and I begin clicking through each one and skimming over what they say. This made me realise how clear my memory of that time still is, whether or not I wanted those memories gone. 

Those who were once good friends, those who were once loves, and the One who still is?? MIxed among emails and messages from the few good friends I still have now. I read through the formation and collapse of relationships, the ambition and excitement of the post-highschool slash pre-university period, the development and varying experiences of the people around me, my good friends my family. Even the coming and going of those who were just there for the sake of group assignments. And most significantly, my own downfall; through 3 and a half years of emails regarding friend's responses to my calls for help. 

I played it all back, turning words, names, and dates into pictures and emotions in my head, and in my heart. 

Its a strange feeling, time travelling. Good? Bad? I don't know. I suppose it depends on where you are, how or if you've changed. And if you're happy.

In the end, I decided to delete my hotmail account from the app, and stick to the online server.

Unhappy.

Unhappy.

Unhappy.

Unhappy.

The Time Keeper

"And as their eyes closed, a different set of eyes opened, and they rose from the ground as a shared soul, up and up, a sun and a moon in a single sky."

- The Time Keeper (2012) by Mitch Albom

Unhappy.